Oh my God! Went out on Friday night, all well. Went to our local and had a few COKES! Weel done me! Went back to our friends house for yet another coke and then came home about half twelve.

Went out on Saturday night for a meal with a friend of a friend. It was her works night out. We went for a meal and then went down the Marina. There were 12 of us and when we got there, we ordered out meal (as you do) and when it came it was pretty crap. A few of the girls had been on the Vodka for a few hours so were a bit drunk to say the least. One girl in particular started complaining, coz the food was cold and the manager was really stroppy. To cut a long story short, she announced that we weren't going to pay for any of the meals and that were f**kin' off! Oh my god. Well, as a few of you now know I do not drink anymore so I was sober as a judge. The manager came over and said 'so you girls are not paying for your meals then', and the reply is unpublishable. The manager then informed us that he was off to call the police. They all got up to leave and I stayed for a few seconds to help this poor oldish lady, who was probably about to have some sort of stroke, get up from the table. At this point, we were the only ones left. Although it was OK, because they group of girls were at the bar abusing the staff! Talk about a walk of shame! It was a good laugh though, looking back at it afterwards of course. I wouldn't have dared. The meal was only a fiver! I will probably be in prison over Christmas, so if you don't hear anything for a while, that is where I am! The funny thing was though, they took a 'large' bottle of Vodka out with them and ordered diet coke all night. They weren't even hiding it. When it was finished, one of the girls asked me to put the empty bottle in my bag. My bag is huge, so I didn't mind. So there I was, in the pub, on my own (well with this old lady who was in shock by this time) with an empty bottle of Vodka in my bag with the police on the way! How do I do it! Anyway, seems like we got away with it! No news is good news you know. I wouldn't care, my meal would have done me. I am used to eating the kids leftovers anyway. I came out of there absolutely starving. What a night!

Stayed in tonight. My balaclava was in the wash!

I am really pi@@ed off with this whole Christmas thing now. I feel like I am getting nowhere fast. I need to order 2 more bikes, but I don't have the money. God, I need to sort myself out. WHat is the matter with me. It is all a load of bollocks. Some kids get nothing.

I can remember when I was in care. I was living in my second foster home with the family from hell and it was Christmas time. They were absolutely loaded and the house was full to bursting with Christmas presents. You weren't allowed to touch anything though. The tree was so pristine that it could have been decorated my Harrods. I think they got someone in to do it. It was dark outside and it was Christmas eve. An old lady rang the doorbell. SHe was from the Rotary Club Charity. She handed me a parcel with green wrapping paper on it and a large tag with the Charity Logo on it. She said they had done a collection for children in care over the Christmas period and they had bought me a present. The foster family scoffed at this present 'as if we need charity'!

I opened it the next morning. It was a little burgundy hair dryer.

It was the best present I ever got. I kept it for years, even after it had broken.

When I was in the Children's home, you had an allocation of £50 to spend on Christmas presents for yourself. I can't remember what I bought.

After my mother died on Christmas eve when I was 12, Christmas just didn't have the same meaning to me. I hated it. I felt alone, empty, scared and as though my stomach was being torn out.

I have started to have flash backs from the 'good old days' in care. I blocked it out for a long time but I think I must be ready to deal with it all now. I was 13 when I went in coz my dad 'didn't want me anymore'. Although I think it was equally difficult for everyone, it doesn't feel like that at the time. My sisters got to stay home. Poor fuckers!

Well, this week is full of plays, carol services and parties. I missed a party for child number 5 on Saturday. My mobile went dead and it has all my reminders on it. It completely slipped my mind. I should have charged it really. Never mind.

The countdown in certainly on now. I am starting to panic a bit now. I checked Amazon and the delivery dates are quite close to Christmas now. I still have a load of stuff to come from eBay. I need to get some money out of the business, but with Christmas so near, all the customers are very slow to pay. Especially the larger engineering companies. They don't give a damn about the smaller companies. Especially the GT Group (payers from hell), yeah...hope your nose falls off Geoff!!! And that's not all!

Most of the money is tied up in material and cash flow is a bit of a nightmare at the moment. The VAT man is also sniffing about. I think we owe him about ten grand. Oh well, a stint in prison might not be a bad thing. A change is as good as a rest, so they say. (Where's my canoe)?

Hey, I went canoeing down the Ardeche in France when I was a nipper. 24 miles I did. I am quite handy with a paddle. Up shit creek and all that.

Well, that's it from me for now. See ya

Yeah, you guessed it. Still not drinking the poison that is alcohol. Well done me. I went out last night for the Business Centre Christmas Party to Tall Trees in Yarm. Ooh, v posh! I am suprised they let me in! I did set fire to the table cloth, but it wasn't really my fault. WHat a stupid idea to put a candle in the middle of the table full of crackers. Oh, and I had my meal and threw the whole lot back up in the toilets. Bargain. Best £32.50 I have ever spent, I don't think!

Been out tonight to a friends house for a drink (of coke). It is the first time I have been to their house and I went the wrong way down their street (one way system) and nearly smashed the car into a very angry man coming the other way. Never mind. I took four of the kids and they were really good. Very entertaining. Ste is out in the town, probably in Nexus by now sticking to the carpet.

God, I am nackered.

I have been wrapping Christmas presents today. I love doing it. I get the ribbon out and everything.

Well, ..........

I forgot to say earlier, I won a competition on the radio yesterday. I won some cinema tickets, but I couldn't tell you how many. I went on like a complete loon of course, screaming and the like. Made a complete arse of myself, as usual. Get in!!!!!!!!D

Went to the gym again last night. There was a Boxercise class on and I thought it would be a good idea to participate. I think I need to review my good ideas, (note to self). My body feels like it has been beaten with a very large, heavy stick! Although it could have been a pogo stick with extra springs on. ALthough people who go to gigs and pretend to be teenagers again through the punk era, deserve everything they get. Mid life crisis? Ha ha haD Only Joking!

If I did panic, I would be by now. I have spent far too much on this thing that is Christmas and the Credit Card application has been declined. It is probably a good thing really, more debt isn't quite what we need right now. I think I am gonna have to have a re-think and the old story of 'Santa must have ran out of that toy' may well have to resurface, one thinks.

Oh well, what the helllll! I think eBay should be banned though. It is far too easy to spend, spend, spend! I can't even remember off hand what I have bought. Never mind.

As long as the kids are happy, we will just have to sort out the overspending later. I have heard on the grapevine that I am gonna win the lottery on the 8th of March next year, so we will have to just wait until then. D

Oh sod it, they will just get what they get. Everyone else spoils them rotten anyway. My sister is really struggling for Christmas this year as they have just moved house and they haven't sold their old place yet. I have told her that I will buy my kids their presents from her and just give them to her to give to them on Christmas day. She is in a far worse situation than us at the moment and 5 kids are awfully expensive to buy for! OOh, AWFULLY, I sould like a right knob!

I think I am building up my Karma, is that how you spell it? It does feel good though. I like doing things for other people. Unless they are complete of course.

Well, I still haven't drank and of the poison that is Alcohol since my drinking accident! I am really proud od myself. I have lost more than half a stone as well. I could do with it though. Having 5 kids doesn't exactly flatter the figure if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I can't sit here all day spouting crap can I? Will read up on my little black sheep and see how he is getting on.

Well, it is that time of year! Getting the Christmas presents sorted out. I have got a new catalogue and ordered a new credit card. Isn't it awful. Amazon and eBay are also getting a hammering. We can't afford it, as you may be able to tell, but what the hell! I could ramble on about how pressured parents feel to conform to the massive institution of the media circus that is Christmas, but I can't be arsed.

We are putting the tree up at the weekend. I am not one of these people who like or even want a pristine Christmas tree. We just put it up and the kids decorate it. 'You can imagine'! All the decorations go on the bottom of the tree at the front. It looks so crap, but I like it that way. I am not one for things looking 'nice', what ever the hell that means! After the cats have dragged it over a couple of times and the dog has pissed up it, it always looks a little better anyway.

Well the washer has stopped so I am off. Tara

Well.............I am obviously sat here at the computer. I have just done the fire as we have had no coal over the weekend. Had electric fire on in the middle room. Costs a fortune, but what the hell; we never pay the bills anyway. Bonus!

I am off to work this afternoon. CHild number 3 is of school today 'poorly' and is chewing the life out of child number 5. Nice! Just what is needed in this house of such calm and tranquility, not!

I have burnt my hands on the fire when I was putting the coal in. Tha plastic from the bag melted and stuck to both my hands. I have 'burns creamed' them up though so they are feeling ok at the moment.

I have 4 more weeks at work before Christmas. I missed work at the begining of last week, well I missed life really with the Vodka thing and everything. Never ever again! I went out on Saturday night and drank coke. Well done me. I still had a good laugh. Good company certainly helps!

While we were out we heard that one of the characters in our old local had died. He was called 'H' (Harold) and was part of the furniture. We were in the pub on the Monday and one of the kids sat in his chair at the bar for what must have been a few seconds. We didn't notice that he wasn't there. Sometimes he isn't. He only goes in at certain times every day. i said 'ooh, you can't sit there. H will go mad'. Hade a bit of a joke about it. Then we heard he died on the Tuesday, the next day. His funeral is today. It will be wierd not seeing him anymore. We always stand and chat and he comments on how wonderful we are as a family. He was 81. Miss you mate!

Well, Christmas is a coming and the goose is getting fat! I love Christmas. It is all about the kids. Although I have a two week block booking for nativities, concerts and carol services. I am an expert now. I know all the words and everything. Child number 2 is in the choir. He is a fabulous singer though, really good. He has a natural talent for it even though I say so myself! He has all the music for all the concerts on CD which the teacher burned for him. If I hear 'The Christian Rap' though one more time, I may well wrap the CD round his ........... or maybe not! Christmas cheer and all that! It was all silent night and little donkey when I was at school. Although is there a song ever written that is worse than little donkey. I think not! Torture.

Silent night gets me every time. My eyes start to leak and my heart tries to escape my chest. My mother died on Christmas Eve when I was 12 and although I now accept that everything happens for a reason in order for us to become the people we need to be, to live our lives and grow to help ourselves and others, it was a bit of a fucking pisser! I used to hate Christmas, but now we have the kids it is a wonderful time. My dad is still very bitter, but that is because she apparently had an affair before we were all born and he 'shouldn't have even married the caniving (can't spell it) woman'. WHat is the point in being bitter about anything. It only eats you from the inside out. (Should have I have written that bit about my dad? I won't delete it coz it is the truth).

My second Christmas after my mother died was spent in a kids home for unruly bastards (only joking, about the bastards bit). Residential care is a wierd experience. My dad couldn't control me he said. He also told me I killed my mother and that he hated me and I wasn't his daughter. (Should I have written that bit) I am not bothered about it all now. That is why I can talk so freely about it all. (Freely, it has taken me 4 months to write anything on here). SHe died of manengitis by the way. Selfish bitch, only joking...God! Ha ha. I am only joking!!!! Blacksheep, you get my sense of humour, I hope.

I lived on the streets for a while after that and then in people's garages and on floors before eventually going into a foster home. They were amazing. CHanged my life around. Left there and went to another foster home, absolute psycho's by the way. Then got a house of my very very own at 15 and a 1/4. Oh, how wonderful social services are. Sorry, I was politically incorrect then, Childhood services. I have got pins and needles now in both feet. I think I need to go for a stroll around the kitchen.

Anyway, that is my update about nothing in particular. My arse is now numb too. I really need to move but can't be arsed! Ha ha, get the pun?

What is Orange and sounds like a parrot........
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A CARROT!

Well it is Sunday. This time last week I was still unconcious. A litre of vodka does that to you apparently! I have decided to stop drinking all together. Not that I am an alcoholic or anything, but I really scared myself last weekend. I could have killed myself. I didn't know what I was doing. I still have memory loss over it all. I took the front of a taxi on apparently. The bills still hasn't turned up though! lol. I am a classic binge drinker I think. I go out on a weekend and drink as much alcohol as is put in front of me. I usually drink lager, but thought Vodka would be a good idea for some strange reason. WHen I have had a drink, my alter ego (Martha) comes to haunt me. She is very chewy and dryer in sense of humour than normal which which normally leads to upsetting more than a couple of people. SHe is also a terrible flirt. I could do without her for a while. I also miss a whole day on a weekend after a good drink and it puts me in a terrible mood. I am just wondering who I am trying to convince here! Tara