I am really pi@@ed off with this whole Christmas thing now. I feel like I am getting nowhere fast. I need to order 2 more bikes, but I don't have the money. God, I need to sort myself out. WHat is the matter with me. It is all a load of bollocks. Some kids get nothing.

I can remember when I was in care. I was living in my second foster home with the family from hell and it was Christmas time. They were absolutely loaded and the house was full to bursting with Christmas presents. You weren't allowed to touch anything though. The tree was so pristine that it could have been decorated my Harrods. I think they got someone in to do it. It was dark outside and it was Christmas eve. An old lady rang the doorbell. SHe was from the Rotary Club Charity. She handed me a parcel with green wrapping paper on it and a large tag with the Charity Logo on it. She said they had done a collection for children in care over the Christmas period and they had bought me a present. The foster family scoffed at this present 'as if we need charity'!

I opened it the next morning. It was a little burgundy hair dryer.

It was the best present I ever got. I kept it for years, even after it had broken.

When I was in the Children's home, you had an allocation of £50 to spend on Christmas presents for yourself. I can't remember what I bought.

After my mother died on Christmas eve when I was 12, Christmas just didn't have the same meaning to me. I hated it. I felt alone, empty, scared and as though my stomach was being torn out.

I have started to have flash backs from the 'good old days' in care. I blocked it out for a long time but I think I must be ready to deal with it all now. I was 13 when I went in coz my dad 'didn't want me anymore'. Although I think it was equally difficult for everyone, it doesn't feel like that at the time. My sisters got to stay home. Poor fuckers!